Failure Fever - 10,699

Well, there it is. 10,699. I told myself before I slept I'd get to 14,000, but that clearly is not happening. I feel like what I'm writing is complete shit. But I'm pressing on, because that is what my brain keeps telling me to do.

Also I'm behind a few thousand words but am hoping to catch up tomorrow and be back in the general ball park of where I'm supposed to be.

I think for this editing process I'm literally going to have to re-do every single insignificant sentence. Honestly and truly, that is what I think is going to happen.

Who knows, maybe that will make it better. Or maybe, it will make me want to shoot myself in the freaking face. Because it already is making me sad thinking about it. I feel like a failure. I don't know why I'm even writing this story. One minute I'm super stoked about it, and the next, I just don't understand it or where it is going.

And now I'm turning into one of those melodramatic writers that complains incessantly about their work sucking. So that's amazing.

I suppose if I just keep on writing it will all start to come together? I just don't know.

My villain is turning out a lot darker than I anticipated, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I also am not sure how I feel about my main character Niall. That's right folks, over 10,000 words in and I'm still not feeling my main character.

How screwed up is that?

Something in my gut is telling me to just keep pressing on and that everything will magically come together. And of course, by magically, I mean with lots of hard work and editing it like crazy I will make it into something awesome.

In completely different news, I've decided to get back into school. Which I have extremely mixed feelings about. On one hand, I recognize a higher level of education is extremely important. On the other hand, I'm terrified I'm going to fail again.

Life right now is interesting.

And this NaNoWriMo is making everything a little bit more on edge for me. I will get to 50,000 this year if it is the last thing I do. I need to say I accomplished this.

Do, or do not, there is no try.

And I'm Back - 8199

So. I wrote literally nothing this weekend. It was a combination of me having a social life, and, well, me having a social life.

I don't regret it, because it was an amazing weekend. I went to the fair (Scored some free ride tickets after some mystery brown substance dripped from the ride on me), I saw Wreck-It Ralph (Which you must go see right now, seriously. Just stop reading and go to the theatre. I don't care if they are closed. Wait until they open. Camp out. It's worth it.), I tried grits for the first time (Delicious), and spent some time with amazing friends. I just felt happy. It was amazing.

But then again, the word count monster kept creeping back to me, as it is always there.

But tonight, I was able to surpass my goal of 8000 with a grand total of 8199. Like a boss.

Last I updated I was having a major issue finding Niall Wagner's voice. And that dilemma turned into a massive plot crisis that I caused me to almost just throw in the towel and cry myself to sleep. It was a rough go. I may not have written all weekend, but my mind was constantly racing trying to figure out how to fix what I'd started.

Sunday night I called a friend and we talked it out for about twenty minutes and I started to develop a new turning point for the book.

I guess I should give you the premise.

In one sentence, so as to not give too much away, but to also make you semi interested:

Super Hero Ghost Squad.

Alright, not really a sentence, but that's what I'm calling this project right now. It started off as one thing, and now it's developing into a story about a boy with some bad luck, a girl with some bad luck, a psychopath hell bent on keeping people unhappy, and a group of Seattle residents dealing with life and the turmoil it brings.

Oh, and there are ghosts. Lots of ghosts. And crime fighting, naturally.

It's a work in progress. And the progress is now in full swing.

I just wrote almost 6000 words in one sitting, so my fingers are sore and my eyes are growing tired. And I have to open tomorrow morning so that's amazing. but I'm back on track.

I'm hoping by tomorrow night sleep time I will have 12,000 words.

And have some more character development on Niall. Because right now, although I'm falling in love with my plot line, I'm still not falling in love with Niall. It's terribly frustrating.

Must keep writing.

Day One - 2215

Well, there it is. 2215 words as of 12:00am on Day One, or is it technically Day Two?

I don't know, and I really don't care.

I am proud of my progress. I'm struggling to find a tone for this novel, struggling very hard. I already know that I'm probably going to have to rewrite the entire first chapter.

It just isn't feeling right to me. I'm trying to decide what flow I want to write, what characters I want to introduce right off the bat, how to not make it cheesy... It's proving to be more difficult than I anticipated; which I suppose is a good thing. It's definitely a challenge.

I'm also having difficulty finding the voice for Niall Hall Wagner, my main character. With After Life, Inc. I knew Clara Jean Fitzgerald would be a feisty know it all and that she would win people over with her wit. I cannot decide what Niall is like. Is he emotional? Is he solemn? Is he the funny guy? Is he a loner? I just can't seem to pinpoint him. And until I do that, I'm not sure I'll be happy with anything I write because he feels distant.

I figure if I keep writing in the general direction I want to go, the answer to fixing these problems will come to me eventually. I hope they do anyways.

I'm glad that I'm getting the words out, but it definitely doesn't help when you aren't necessarily proud of your writing. Then again, the first chapter is always the most important in my opinion. It needs to hook your reader. It needs to introduce the protagonist  It needs to set the tone for the entire novel, so chances are I will have to spend more time on it anyways.

That's the beauty of NaNoWriMo, if I weren't pressured on word count I would probably spend a lot more time trying to perfect what I just finished, but instead I just have to move on and try to make the next chapter better. I know in the back of my mind that I'm going to have to come back and fix the atrocity I just typed up, but I at least have something written. I have a base line, and it isn't how you start the race, it is how you finish.

I'm sure I'll figure it out.

I'm sure.