Thursday, December 6, 2012

My review (read: Scathing Rant) of Red Dawn.

Alright, people.

I used all the F-Bombs in the 'verse to write this post. So, sorry if you needed any. Because they all are fucking here.

The following contains SPOILERS for the, I'm sure to be "new cult classic", Red Dawn. I suggest you read on if you were planning to see this shit-fest. I really suggest it. In fact, if you haven't seen it, just keep reading. It will save you time, probably money since I imagine you'll pay to watch it, and yeah. That's about it. I'm trying to help you readers out.

Today, I watched Red Dawn.

I know what most of you are thinking:

Shayla, why the frakk did you go see Red Dawn to begin with? It looked like a pile of steaming crap surrounded by a moat of liquid fecal matter.

I know, I know.

I have two words: Chris Hemsworth.

He's my boo. My lover. The God of Thunder. My everythang.

Also, the story takes place in Spokane, Washington. I was brought into this world in Spokane Valley Hospital. It's my home. So that also appealed to me.

I just had to see it, you guys.

I had to.

Don't you guys understand?

Guys?

You still there?

I guess I'll start getting to the juicy details: AKA SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER ALERT. 

Item the first (not chronologically per the movie, but what pisses me off the most):

They kill off Chris Fucking Hemsworth with literally five minutes left in the movie.

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT. 

Okay, I went in knowing it was going to be a bad movie, the only redeeming quality was Chris Hemsworth's hot bod and glorious acting capabilities. He was the glue holding this mess together in the first place, so why the hell are you going to kill him off? I understand it was at the end of the movie. I understand that the lines leading up to a cheese fest and you needed to "spice" things up or whatever.

BUT COME ON. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK PEOPLE.

It wasn't essential to the plot line. It did absolutely nothing to move the story forward. It was fucking pointless. Maybe that's the point you were trying to make? That war was pointless? Was that it? Please, for the love of all that is holy, someone answer me.

Item the second: Josh Peck. What the fuck.

Maybe I'm just one of those silly 90's kids who remembers the plump Josh Peck. The Josh Peck that made me laugh with his goofy self. The Josh Peck that was a fucking baller.

This Josh... Scares me.

He has lost too much weight, and apparently what little acting skills he had went along with it.

I'm sorry, Josh. I've always been a fan, or I've tried to be anyways. But holy fuck, what happened, bro? I miss Snow Day Josh Peck. This one... This one has got to go. Your facial expressions are whack. And I just... You just... The whole thing makes me sad. It makes me sad, Josh. You make me sad.

Item the third: The Fucking Computer Chip.

Okay, towards the end of the movie there is one dude that gets stabbed. And apparently when they stabbed him they planted a computer chip in him as a tracking device.

So there's that.

Which might be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of in my life. This kid didn't feel them shove something inside him? The wound itself didn't look like it was healing like a stab wound, it looked like a fucking fuck got shoved the fuck up in there.

So then what do they do? They ditch him. They don't cut the bitch out because, "What are we supposed to cut it out with?"

YOU ARE WITH FUCKING MARINES. ARE YOU TELLING ME NOT ONE OF THEM HAS A BLADE YOU SLICE A MOTHER FUCKER OPEN WITH? COME THE FUCK ON, PEOPLE.

Item the fourth: The bad jokes.

Le sigh.

I'm a girl that loves a good bad joke. In fact, I tell them a lot. I consider it a hobby of mine, maybe even a SKILL, if you will. I search out a bad joke like a mice searches for the best cheese. It's my thing. And I love it.

And with that said, even I couldn't handle the stupid one-liners in this piece of crap. They knew that the story line was lame. They knew that it wasn't going anywhere, so they tried to shove extra lines of dialogue everywhere to make it "quotable" or whatever.

News flash: It didn't fucking work. You suck, mother fuckers. You all suck.

"You fucked with the wrong family."

That is a direct quote (Don't quote me on that, because I honestly can't remember the phrasing, but it's something like that).

I'm pretty sure they weren't fucking with just your family you dumb piece of shit (no offense Mr. Hemsworth, my quarrel is with the dialogue, not you. You delivered it wonderfully). But really, they didn't fuck with your family. They fucked with America.

'MURICA!

Stop being so god damn selfish.

Item the Fifth: The Casting.

I understand not all actors look alike, but when they are supposed to be related? I mean, let's be really.

Chris Hemsworth and Josh Peck look less than nothing alike. They don't speak similiarly. They don't act the same way. They just suck as brothers. There was no connection there at all, and it came across on the screen every second of the movie. It was the worst.

And the supporting actors all sucked.

The two shining stars (Apart from Chris Hemsworth and Jeffery Dean Morgan, whom always will be A-List in my opinion because I adore them both) were Josh Hutcherson and Brett Cullen.

They were superb. Cullen's death scene was amazing. Hutcherson started off like a little bitch, but turned into kind of a badass towards the end.

The others, all sucked. Not one good performance. And I really enjoy Adrianne Palicki. She's my Friday Night Lights gal. She's kick ass. But in this, she was nothing. They all were nothing.

I'm sorry, you guys. But you kind of sucked.

I still love you though. Kind of.

Item the Sixth: It was just bad.

That's it. It was bad. It wasn't bad in a way I like movies to be bad, because I love a good B movie. I think they're funny and I can appreciate the humor.

But this... This was the worst. And I think, ultimately, I'm going to say it was because of two reasons:
Josh Peck and the dialogue.

Sorry Josh Peck, you suck.
And sorry writers, you suck even more than someone who sucks for a living. Yes, that was a penis joke. About someone sucking penis. For a living. And how you suck more than them. Because you do. You suck.

OH. And another thing. WHY WASN'T JEFFERY DEAN MORGAN IN IT MORE?

He was one of the few redeeming qualities of this flick, and he didn't come in until the end. That pissed me off too. He was beautiful. Amazing. Talented. He spun that shit dialogue into gold.

In the end... Don't watch it. It was a waste of time, and I watch movies for free, people. FOR FREE. And I still am upset.

There are more points that I was going to make, but I honestly can't remember them. I have a list at work that I wrote down. But I think this is enough. I've already taken my hatred for this film wayyyy too far as it is.

Thanks for reading, kind sir or ma'am.

It's been a pleasure.

First Edit:

The Racism. Holy crap.

I didn't even mention how the film was originally supposed to be China attacking 'Murica and how in post production they just "switched" it to North Korea. Because, you know. all Asian countries are basically the same.

Do I really even have to say anything, people? I mean. Just...

Just come on.

I can't even think of a sentence to summarize how utterly repulsive that whole thing is.

Just... Red Freaking Dawn. That's all I have to say.

Red Freaking Dawn.


2 comments:

  1. You know, when writing your reviews, or, any post, it would help if you added a page break after the opening paragraph, it makes the whole page just seem cleaner.
    I thought your review was funny, it seems like it would be better in the spoken word though.
    Just some tips.

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    1. ^^^ Professor Bloggingston in the house

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